pinagtutulungan ako ng sangkalawakan

Wala naman akong galit kay putengeneng Universe or anything pero dyusmiyo marimar! Sirang sira na ang weekend plans ko!

Ganito kasi yon, sa eskwelahan ko nung kolehiyo, sa linggo ng mga puso ay may week-long na aktibidad (parang UP Fair minus THE CONCERTS of THE bands). Eto yung panahon kung saan makikita mo ulit ang mga naging kaklase mo na nakagraduate na, mga brods at sisses mo na may asawa’t anak na, mga naging kaklase mo na estudyante pa rin pala at mga tiyangge at mga ate at kuya sa mga concessionaires na paborito mo –sama sama sa loob ng campus. Pumunta kami dun kagabi, thinking na all set up na ang lahat, may stage na, may mga booth, may tiangge at may food stalls, but lo and behold, nasa malayo pa lang kami ay mukhang wala kaming maaninag na “masaya” sa bandang yun ng eskwelahan. Sige lakad pa papasok. Pagdating namin sa tulay, andun pa rin yung mga manong na nagtitinda ng mga pailaw na taon taong sumasalubong sa mga parokyano ng fair. Pero ang field, walang ilaw. May mga booth pero walang ilaw. May wall para sa wall climbing pero walang ilaw. Ewan ko kung may stage na sa gitna, basta walang ilaw. Ayun, bumalik na lang kami sa labas. Nawalan na ako ng ganang kumain. Sumakit pa ata ang ulo ko.

Taon-taon kasi itong ginagawa. Tradisyon. Hindi lang basta tradisyon, kumbaga sa emo, may pinaghuhugutan din ang okasyong ito. Hindi lang to basta trip lang ng mga estudyante. Nakalimutan ko na kung ano, basta alam ko eh tungkol to sa giyera at ang mga estudyante noon ay buong tapang na nagpa-enlist at sumama dun pero buti hindi natuloy at natapos na. So nagcelebrate sila. At inilipat sa Pebrero sa katagalan. Tapos ngayong taon ay mukhang mapuputol na ang tradisyon.

Okay, edi magfocus na lang kayo sa academics. GRRRRRR. Nakakaasar.

Nakaplano na kasi ako mula Friday hanggang Linggo. Susunduin ko si teenager sa Manila at ipapakita ko sa kanya kung paano ang buhay ko nung estudyante pa ako. Pero mukhang hindi na matutuloy.

Hindi ko alam kung anong pinanggagalingan ng admin sa pagtutol nila sa activity na ‘to pero basta. Nakakaasar. Ayoko ng pinapa-excite ako tapos biglang wala naman pala. Sure sanay na sanay naman akong magchange of plans nang bigla bigla pero hindi ibig sabihin na okay lang na hindi matuloy yung naunang plano. Eto kelangan kong magi sip kung anong gagawin ko. Sana matuloy pa rin kahit papaano. Sana pumayag na ang admin.

*Apektado ako kasi yun na lang ang link ko sa school. Dun ko lang uli mararamdaman na naging parte ako nun. At magyayabang at magpapapogi ako dun sa kay teenager ko. Hala!

Lola, tell me you’re doing good

Pasensiya na kung malungkot pa rin ang mood ko. I try to be funny naman sa mga comments. So if you don’t want to hear another low moment from me, wag mo na lang tong basahin.

Ang bahay ng Lola ko, nadadaanan ng lahat ng tao na pumapasok sa lugar namin so it has been a practice for us to stop by her house everytime we come home from work, school, etc. I go home every Saturday eversince I started college and work and every weekend, I make it a point to say hi to her, take her hand and say “Mano po.” Sometimes I would give her food, especially now that I’m already working. Before leaving, I also drop by her house to say goodbye. All of us do that, cousins and aunts and uncles alike.

Last Saturday was different. I still went to her house. I know she’s not there, but most of my family members were there. I almost cried.

They were telling me stories how the lights switched off upstairs while a cousin was there, how the dinnerware began moving and made sounds while they were eating, and how the videoke machine turned itself on when everyone else was away from it. Creepy as it seems but I somehow am waiting for something to happen to me. Even in dreams, I wish she would appear so I can hug her the last time and talk to her and ask her things. I want to clear things up to her; I just want to talk to her.

Later that afternoon, it was my tito who came home from his weekly grocery. My mom said he was crying, told her he misses his mom. He didn’t cry during the wake, not even during the libing. I totally understand the feeling. Nakakaiyak dumaan sa bahay na alam mong wala ka na naming rason para daanan.

Naiinis na rin ako minsan sa sarili ko. Gusto ko na rin i-let go ang lungkot na ito, kaso ayaw mawala. Minsan kala ko okey na, bigla naman akong mapapaiyak pag may naalala ako. Worst ever. Kung nakita mo na ako kung pano iyakan ang lablayp ko, mas malala ito. Mas malala dahil ni hindi man lang ako nakainom at kahit lamok ay kayang-kayang itrigger ang pag iyak ko. Siguro kasi hindi rin ako nahihiya kahit may makakita sa akin na umiiyak.

Nakabalik na naman ako sa normal, sa tingin ko. Pero abnormal ang umiyak at lumuha nang biglaan kahit mukhang ayos na ayos naman ang lahat.

Pakita ka naman sakin o, sabihin mo lang masaya ka na, na okay ka na. Sabihin mo sa akin na wag na kitang iyakan. Miss na miss na miss na miss ka na naming lahat.

Lola =(

Ang lungkot ko ngayon.

Last week, my parents informed me that my lola (maternal) was unable to get up, probably a stroke. She’s on her early 80’s already. She was confined in the hospital for 4 nights (Monday-Friday). I was in Malate last Friday and I was planning to visit her along with another cousin who’s in Pasig. We live in Rizal and I work in Laguna so it’s easier for me to just visit her so I can also go home earlier than usual.

Plan A was to visit her really but a tito called to say she’s already doing good, she’s up and was just resting before finally being discharged out of the hospital. So there, I could still get on with my Friday bar/alcohol dose and my Saturday out of town trip. Plan B was to give up the Friday and visit Lola instead and still go on with the trip on Saturday. There was no Plan C.

And I didn’t expect Plans A and B to not happen, too.

They were allowed to take her home that Friday. According to the doctor it was a hopeless case. “Old age” was taking its toll on her.

I went back to Laguna, slept the news away and went home the day after. See I didn’t have anything with me that Friday so I had to go back. When I saw her that Saturday afternoon, I didn’t know how I felt. She had a tube on her nose and an IV fluid by her side. My tita’s were there, they were patiently and painfully taking care of her. I said hi to her, told her I’ve got apples and a burger for merienda. I told her I’m going to our house first to have lunch.

I went to a drinking session, at around 2PM to 5PM. Don’t ask. I just can’t say no to him, it’s his son’s christening. But I explained to him that I can’t be drunk.

After dinner, I saw my mom preparing blankets and stuff. I told her I’m sleeping here in our house. But my cousin (see bronto post) fell asleep on my lap so I had to take him to his mom who was now staying at Lola’s.  When we got there, I decided that I’d sleep over too.

So we were all there, two of my tito’s and their families, my mom and my sister, three more tita’s and their families, all were camping. The house turned somewhat into an evacuation center. Every now and then two cousins visit to check on Lola, they promised not to drink that night (they’re also leaving the next morning for school) and they did fairly well. At around 1AM, only me and a high school cousin, Cousin A was left wide awake. I couldn’t offer her any help, I can’t stand looking at her like that but I was just near them. It reminded me of how a tito would just look at her from a distance, he doesn’t want / can’t look at his mother in that state. I offered to get my dvd player and she said yes. While we were watching, my sister and another cousin came, both sleeping over too. Then another came asking why we didn’t wake her up (their house is just across the street). It turned out that instead of 4am, Lola has to be fed at 12am. It was already 2am. =( We don’t know where the hell Cousin A got the 4am feeding time.

While she was feeding her, I took pictures and videos of her, of us. 5 or 6 cousins are in the Middle East and I wanted them to see what’s happening. I know it would be hard, but they need to be assured. Three of these cousins went home last December and a few days after they went back abroad, the attack happened. You can just imagine how hard that was for them.

After feeding her, I fell asleep. I was in the sala next to Lola’s bed while the rest of the family was on the other wider sala, some are in the rooms upstairs.  I woke up at 5am hearing my tita laughing and saying things to Lola. Of all my tita’s, she’s the meanest. I know she just doesn’t like the gloomy atmosphere but I honestly don’t think what she’s doing is funny. At least for me. They changed her diapers. Another cousin was taking her blood pressure. Me and my mom went home, I have to leave at 7am. I ate breakfast with my parents (sister still sleeping back at our Lola’s house) and my mom told me that we still have 5 to 10 days at most.

Before I left, I went to Lola again, told her I’ll be back the next Saturday. I will be back. She also has to go back.

I’m terribly disoriented. There are times when I just feel my eyes getting watery, I even cried while I was in a jeepney going to mass, I cried while I was taking a bath, and this note is starting it again.

A friend asked me if I was close to her, I said, “a bit.” Now that I think about it, I am close to her. I even slept beside her even when I was in high school already. I always go to her house every weekend (her house is “on the way” to ours) and sometimes I give her pasalubong. The last time I saw her was last week before she got hospitalized, I gave her a burger. She would always tell me it wasn’t masarap at all, sometimes she’d say it was bitin. I miss her.

Please get well. Don’t give us the burden of having to explain to the kids why we can’t play with them, why you’re lying there, why you have tubes on, why you can’t talk….. Please. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng umaasa sa wala nang pag asa.

Wala na siya. Kinuha na kaninang madaling araw. =(

leave

Wahaha nasishit ang kautakan ko!!!! Kakagaling ko lang ngayon sa departmental meeting namin with the president. At isang tumataginting na mahusay na eksplanasyon ang nakuha namin tungkol sa aming mga sick leaves at vacation leaves.

May binago kasi sa sistema starting January 2009 so lahat kaming mga alipin ay back to zero ang pondo ng SL at VL. Parang new employees na kami lahat in terms of leave credits, which means makakakuha lang kami yung full 12 or 15 days at the end of the year. Syempre hindi naman maiiwasan na magkasakit dib a? So pinayagan kami na “utangin” muna yung ma-e-earn pa lang namin na SL. By December last year, naubos ko na halos lahat ng SL at VL ko, mostly ay nagamit ko nung December. Akala ko kasi ay mapo-forfeit yung VL na hindi nagamit. Hindi ko naman alam na utang lang pala yun at for 2010 yun. Ang resulta: meron na lang akong 0 leave credits for the year 2010. Isang tumataginting na betlog! Puta buti pa bayag ko dalawa! Waaaaah. Ano ba to? Kasalanan ko ba ito dahil hindi malinaw sa akin yung memo na yun? O kasalanan nila na hindi nila kinlaro? Kasi hindi lang ako ang ganun eh. Halos lahat kami ay dali-daling inubos yung mga natitira naming leave credits bago magpaalam ang 2009 thinking na masasayang lang yun pag di ginamit.

Isa pa, waaaaaaaaaah. Nakakapanghina ng tuhod. T.T

dalawang sentimo

Kasabay ko ngayon pauwi sa amin ang tita ko (first cousin ng nanay ko) kasama ang asawa niya. Galing siguro sa isa na namang dialysis session. Sa pagkakaalam ko, nauubusan na sila ng pondo. Pero marami pa ring kamag anak ang tumutulong. Mga 2 o tatlong taon na silang ganito pero walang bumibitaw. Tanda ko nakapagpahiram ako ng red cross card sa kanila, kung pwde nga lang na regular ko yun gawin eh. Hindi naman kami close nitong tita ko na ito. It’s even a known fact na masungit siya. Pero kamag anak ko siya at hindi niya ako nasampolan ng mga sungit sungit na yan. Ang pinakatumatak lang sa akin ay ang sumptuous post media noche na ipinakain nila sa aming magkapatid habang nakikinig kami sa pag uusap nila ng nanay niya na kapampangan (dugo kili kili ko pakikinig).
Saludo rin naman ako sa asawa niya, basta. Ang tibay niya. Pag nakikita ako nito, papatagayin ako at isasali sa inuman. Dati, nakita ko yung bose 5.1 system niya, sabi ko, “To, arbor na!” Sabi naman niya, “Makakabili ka rin niyan balang araw.” ayun, sarap pakinggan. Saludo talaga ako sa iyo. Guys, pagdasal natin yung tita ko ha. Sana um-okey na siya. Sana gumaling na. At sana tatagan pa ni tito.

Next, naalala niyo yung kuwento ko tungkol sa bagong prospect ko (na ex ng nakababata kong pinsan, at kapatid ng mejo ex ko dati)? Ayun, sabi daw ng pinsan ko, ang kanya na ay kanya na, wala nang bawian. Ahumppftt! Pambihira. Napakastubborn. Manang mana sa akin. Ah ewan, bahala na si manny villar.

Next, may bago akong kaibigan. Isa siyang tibo. Ipinagpalit daw siya ng girlfriend niya sa lalaki. Medyo tipo ko naman, tingin ko eh hindi pa siya full-pledged butch. Nararamdaman ko sa mga ngiti niya. Haha. Niloloko nga kami, kami na lang daw, baka sakali. Okay lang naman sa akin. Eto ang catch, sa pamilya niya, dalawang set ang kambal. May kakambal ang mama niya, at may tita pa ulit siya na kambal. Gusto ko ng kambal na anak. Haha. Ang lola ko may kakambal eh. Eto na ba? Wahaha. Ayus to, challenge. I’m definitely up for it.

Andaming bagong challenge. Napapa-focus ako. Ganun ako pag nakatutok, walang napapansin na iba. Kaya rin malaki ang tiwala ko na hindi ako polygamous. Pasensiya na sa mga medyo nakaligtaan ko. Pinipilit kong baguhin. Nakasanayan na kasi, mahirap tanggalin.

Kagaya nitong mga nakaraang araw, 2 days lang ako sa office at yung natitirang tatlo ay official trip sa manila. Kaya naubos yung first two days ko sa pagpofocus sa mga maiiwan na trabaho, yun pala eh parang hangin na ako, hindi na maramdaman. Hindi ko intensyong hindi magparamdam, ganun lang talaga. Sori ulit.

Napansin ko lang din, bakit kaya lagi akong kinukwento ng mga manong driver? Mahilig kasi akong umupo dun sa unahan. Pati sa mga bus, mas madalas na ang tumatabi sa akin ay yung mga medyo may edad na. Alam mo yung itsura ko na pag may sumasakay na maganda at seksi eh parang pasimpleng nagmamakaawa na “huy, miss, dito ka na sa tabi ko o…” Pero wala. Haha. Nasanay na rin tuloy akong makisalamuha sa mga taong hindi ko naman talaga kakilala. Ayun, tuloy minsan nauuna pa akong kumausap sa kanila. Minsan nga lang eh mas suplado pa sa mga empleyado ng gobyerno na naka-assign sa mga windows at kung anu anung transaksyon busineSs.

Nasubukan mo na bang sumenyas ng ‘para’ sa isang paparating na tren? Ako, oo. Kanina sa gil puyat lrt, buti napigil ko bago mag extend nang tuluyan ang kamay ko. Ang tanga naman.

Kelan kaya lalampas ng limanglibo ang kinsenas na sahod ko? Hay. At least may trabaho.

Today, isang linggo na akong hindi uminom! Nakakapanibago. Achievement slash proof of my being alone. Ampf.

Napanood ko na pala kahapon ang 500 Days of Summer. Wala lang. Ayus.

Dalawang sentimo ko tungkol sa sarili ko.